i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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