The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
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I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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