I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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