either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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