im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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