i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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