you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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