i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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