We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
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I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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