The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
His nipple licking is glorious
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