if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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