I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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