Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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