if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize