Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize