Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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