ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
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Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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