mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize