I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We just shotgunned beers for America
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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