i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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