When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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