He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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