Ambien. No doubt about it.
Apparently you make a good broom.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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