Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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