omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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