what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
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your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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