I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize