Soap is not a condiment
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
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No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
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we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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