I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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