and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
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My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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