Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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