i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
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also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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