I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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