i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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