Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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