Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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