What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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