Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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