You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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