I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize