did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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