Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
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I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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