The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
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What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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