I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
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Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
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She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize