I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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