go do what you do best...puke behind churches
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
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Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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