btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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