Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
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i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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