It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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