Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
